Female Relationships. Are They Worth It?

October 10, 2021

By Nicole


How many women have experienced “the fall out” in friendships?🙋🏾‍♀️ I can remember even way back in middle school, being dropped by my BFF. One day we were thick as thieves, while the next, she was walking past me in the hallway without a word. Lonely days at school now replaced previous fun-filled meet ups between classes and lunchtime, while mornings before school were now spent with a book, reading alone, in the school parlor.

Back then, I couldn’t have understood that my friend’s sudden emotional disappearance from my life had little to do with me, and everything to do with her. But the thing is, we still go through the loss of friendships as adults. Suddenly there is a rift, spoken or unspoken, and the glue that was holding the relationship together dissolves. You two are no longer speaking, and regardless of whether or not you were the initiator, or the recipient of the “break up”, it doesn’t matter. It still hurts. Even as an adult.

I believe that you can actually be hurting on either side of the failed friendship because even if you initiated the friendship ending, more than likely, it was out of your own pain. You were hurt, you were offended, you were neglected to the point that you were finally done. I know. I’ve been there.

Humans are complex beings, and, in my opinion, women are even more complex. More specifically, in the Black community, we have a history of jealousy, discord, competition (normally centered around gaining attention from men) and pain within female-to-female relationships. We see this in those popular reality shows such as “The Housewives” series. Yes, maybe TV amplifies issues for ratings sake, but, if we were really on the up and up in these relationships, producers would have nothing to work with to portray our interactions in such a negative light.

As a kid, when I went through that first experience of losing a friend, I didn’t have the support from other friends to really bounce back. I didn’t have the revelation of identity to not take it personal. I was also experiencing rejection from my peers due to bullying, dealing from rejection from an absentee parent, and navigating the alcoholism present in my own home. 12-year-old Nicole did not have the tools that adult-age-Nicole has now, and that definitely makes the difference when responding to “the friendship fall out”. Thankfully, grownup Nicole is so much more mature, healthy, and healed than 12-year-old-Nicole. Even though the hurt still occurs in adult broken relationships, I have more resources now to heal from it.

I was listening to a YouTube video recently where a well-known minister shared about his response to “the fall out”. He explained that he “leans in” to the ones surrounding him in his circle when this happens. I thought that was good advice.

Sometimes when one leaves, we forget about all those who have stayed.

I can look at my friend circle and I know that I have so many who have stayed. I am surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, talented, spiritual women who choose me everyday. I know I am gifted with friends, and I don’t take it lightly.

Friendship (much like I hear marriage is), is work. We rub each other the wrong way, unintentionally, all the time, simply because, we are different. We go through different seasons and hardships that can cause us to not be around as much, (and make us a little bit more unbearable than normal when we are). But if we are able to fight for it, and choose to keep moving toward each other, (no matter how awkward), then the reward is so worth it. I know. I’m doing this right now.

Have you had fallouts with your friends? If so how did you respond? Have you been able to recover and repair the relationship(s)? Do you believe fighting for your friendships is worth it? Would love to hear your comments, so feel free to share below or even email me!

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This month, every Monday in October, I will be hosting a series on IGTV Live called “Meet the Characters” where I will break down each character from “Urban Stories” and what went into writing their story. This synopsis will piggyback off of the segment at the end of “Stories for the (Urban) Soul” called, “Lessons from the Characters”. I would love for you to join! See below for details:

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