I Shouldn’t Be Here

May 31, 2024

By Nicole


I never should have graduated high school.

I was kicked out and hopping friend’s couches every day attending school when no one monitored me. I was in love with a man I shouldn’t have been in love with and there was no logical reason for me not to pursue being with him instead of my education, yet I still chose learning. I was technically homeless with a supernatural burning desire to finish school. I moved in with my boyfriend as a last-ditch effort to graduate because his family lived in the school district and my friends kept kicking me out of their homes.

I should have been a baby momma.

Not that anything innately is wrong with that. My mother was a baby momma. My grandmother was a baby momma. Her mother was a baby momma. But that was not my call. Being a baby momma is hard. And God did not want that type of hard for me.

I should have been in an abusive relationship.

I had the knife. He punched the wall. I ran and threatened to call the cops. Somehow it de-escalated and we stayed together. College saved us. Me being 255 miles away for almost 1461 days saved us. Saved me. So when he cheated, I at least had some type of identity forming outside of him. Some type of community surrounding me.

Those are the moments I forget and forgot until I started relaying them yesterday. As I grieved over the state of my own daughter. We are not bound by blood but by heart and I see the hardness of her heart. And I have flashbacks of me at her age and realize the adults in my life trying to reach my heart had their hands instead banged on the steeliness of it. I see the dimness of her vision. You simply can’t see when you’re in that much pain. I have flashbacks of my own.

I should not have finished college.

I should have quit my junior year when I wanted to and married the man I shouldn’t have been engaged to, but he said, “No, finish. We’ll get married after.” That was God. That was God speaking through him because he had always wanted to get married and never wanted to wait so why all of a sudden was he changing his tune?

I should have been pregnant at 20.

I saw the belly in my dream and knew it was a warning. I prayed that night and got my cycle. Divine intervention.

I shouldn’t have become a healthier, more polished, more wiser version of myself. I was the one my friends dropped in high school because of my selfishness and lack of self-awareness. I was the highly emotional one who apparently cried at graduation when everyone else was rejoicing. I was going through things at home and could easily be ice-cold at school because I had no outlet for what I was going through. But saying yes to God delivered me. Set me free. Opened the floodgates of healing and wholeness and I haven’t been the same since. Now, those who knew me then, marvel.

“Leaps and bounds” was the word I received years ago. And I knew it was a future word. It didn’t apply to where I was in my life then, but it was for where I was going.

It was for now.

I’ve been waiting on a miracle in this season and I’ve been thinking how I can’t say that I’ve seen too many in my life. You know those Bonafede supernatural miracles where someone’s missing limb grows before your very eyes? But what I realized last night while remembering how it used to be is:

My life is a miracle.

I shouldn’t be who I am. I shouldn’t live how I live.

I shouldn’t be here.

When you’re featured in your story as the protagonist, sometimes, you’re unaware of your own character transformation. Or, at least, unaware of all of it. You can probably catch the big stuff but there are a lot of smaller things along the way you may have missed. I’ve been aware of some of it but now perceive from the dysfunction of others just how far I’ve come.

The character-development. The freedom from codependency. The emotional intelligence. The self-awareness. All of it was hard-fought but oh so worth it. And now I can give it back. I can offer what I’ve received. Which is healing, love, deliverance, long-suffering, and hope. Hope is a great weapon. 

When we believe there is something in our lives worth fighting for we will choose life.

In the aftermath of grief, I couldn’t pinpoint the reason for my life because I didn’t have children and I didn’t have a job and I didn’t have a family. But what I’ll say to you my friend is that you are always worth fighting for. God felt that way and sent His Son as a sacrifice. If no one else believes you are worth that kind of horrific display of love, He does.

In other news…Did you know that I just dropped my debut novel When Love Wins? You can check out more here! This time around there is an audiobook in addition to the eBook and paperback versions. Make sure you are subscribed to my email list to catch special offers, discounts, insider information, and more!

Are you on Instagram/Facebook? If so, please reach out. I have a series called “Word of the Day Wednesdays” where I share 5-10 minutes worth of nuggets that are on my heart, which I hope are encouraging to others on IGTV/FB Live! I have these also posted on my Youtube Channel.

And, lastly, if you have read “Stories for the (Urban) Soul, please put up an Amazon review here. I was SUPER encouraged and blessed when a new reader put up her review for my 2nd book which you can view here :).

As always, thank you for your support!

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