My friends and are having a different discussion these days. We are looking around at these celebs over the age of 40 who seemed to still be thriving off life the way most people did in their 20s.
My Physical Therapist joked about J Lo still being a “Fly Girl” in these streetz. The fact that I got the joke shows we’re in the same age bracket. Most people under 30 (tho they probably know who J Lo is) have no idea what a “Fly Girl” is. Ah…an ode to the 90s with its multi-colored apparel, high fade haircuts, and New Jack Swing sound tracks.
Aging was never really a thing for me, though, except for when I turned 30 and woke up without a white gold, 2-karat diamond ring on my left hand’s ring finger. I stared at that finger long and hard, confused that the rock hadn’t magically appeared out of nowhere as Jesus’ birthday gift to me. Instead, He threw me a Zumba party and surrounded me with my dearest and closest.
But now that 39 now is creeping in (I have about 5 weeks left, BTW) I am ostentatiously aware that THIS IS THE LAST YEAR OF MY 30s and I AM GETTING OLDER! Even though most wouldn’t equate the 30’s with being “young” (especially the late 30s) for 8 years I took some comfort in knowing that I was floating around in that “grey area of youth” like a marshmallow in a sea of hot chocolate. It also doesn’t help that my smooth ebony skin glows each day with not a blemish or wrinkle in sight.
Additionally, my body has actually gotten better with age. Not worse.
I told my friends that the other generations simply do not know what to do with us. The youngins’ for sure ain’t claimin’ us and the older ones, well, they still call us “young”. So that just lets you know where they’re at with it…
But the truth is, the most difficulty I’ve had with getting older is the tie it has to starting a family. As a woman, let’s be honest, my fertile eggs are aging too (no matter how great my skin looks). I’ve even taken some blood tests to see how said eggs are doing, and so have some of my friends…
More recently I was listening to a podcast where the guest shared about her wife getting pregnant (they were in a homosexual relationship) and them needing to act fast because the woman was 38. My ears, perked up. I’m 38. Should I be acting fast?! The hosts of the show went on to ask listeners if they would consider “doing the do” with a male friend so that they could get pregnant. (All convictions aside) In theory it sounds workable. If you can come up with a guy-friend who is reasonably mature, of sound mind and would be a good financial partner for you with this kid, (even though you guys aren’t going to be in a relationship), well, it could possibly work. But in reality, well, we all know that humans are messy, emotional beings. So for now, I’ll pass.
But, lets table this conversation to revisit in the future…
The interesting thing is that when I look back on my journey with God, He has been so very vocal about many things, yet on the topic of children, eerily silent. I can say that I have the desire, simmering underneath the burning one of marriage that has never left since I made that final decision at 22 to lay down my relationship. I can say that He has been so good at giving me the desires of my heart. Even the stuff I forgot about. Especially those. And I can even say that concerning my desires, He has rarely said, “No”. It has usually been, “Not now”, and, (my absolute favorite) “Wait”.
But in the few cases of Him saying “No” it was because He had something better.
Like when I wanted to move out of CLE and over the course of 10 years He caused me to fall in love with this not-so-easy-to-love city. Or, when I really really really wanted to marry my first love (and a few who came after), but He showed me how unready each of those men were.
At 38 and counting, I’m grateful for the Father’s path for me. I’m grateful that He put me exactly where I always wanted to be in so many ways. I’m grateful for the things that are on the horizon, especially with my business(es). But the question tucked in between all of that gratefulness is,
Will I have children?
From my very own womb? And in these moments of questioning, I am Hannah. And Abraham. And David. Who all asked the same thing. With the same yearning. And the same burning desire.
But with or without kids, getting older is its own experience, and if we’re lucky enough, we each get to trudge through it.
I heard a story from a friend about a woman who died at 34 leaving 2 children behind. Such a sobering story. We can grapple with the nuances of aging and the grief that comes with our youth fading, but can we really do it without rejoicing over the opportunity to spend time with loved ones, operate with a sound mind, and enjoy the gifts this life has to offer? I think not.
So as I prepare to “turn up” in this last year of my 30s, I will focus on what I do know.
I do know that God has set me up to manifest all the things I would have wanted in my youth. And I do know He has redeemed the time I gave Him in my 20s, both physically and in many life experiences (so much of my 30s is stuff people did in their 20s).
Yes, I may be about a decade late to the party, but I strut in fashionably late, donning Michael Kors stilettoed heels, a trendy Calvin Klein pea coat, and a Kate Spade purse dangling on my arm.
And though to everyone else I am super late.
To Him. I know. That I am right. On. Time.
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