Something Like Postpartum

April 17, 2023

By Nicole


I’ve heard it said that we can feel sad even when really good things happen. Like when significant life changes or milestones occur. I watched the documentary of Brooke Shields recently (Pretty Baby on Hulu, in case you were wondering) and found it interesting when she opened up about the postpartum she experienced after her firstborn. I’ve never had a kid or postpartum but I know enough to know it exists. Still, I never thought I would have that experience, but Brooke made me think twice. She said that she had always loved kids, and had tried really hard even to get pregnant but after her birth, she struggled. She didn’t harbor the loving emotions towards her child that seeped out of other mothers. She wasn’t thrilled by the sight of her daughter the way she knew she should be and even felt jealous of her husband when he coddled their young nearby. She was depressed in every sense of the word. But even worse, she didn’t know why. 

While listening to her story, I wondered, Can one experience postpartum after a book baby is born? A book is nothing close to a real-life child, and yet there are similarities. 

So much of my time these past two years has been spent gearing up for this moment. It took me nearly a year of planning, marketing, and critiquing every aspect of the reveal for When Love Wins. I invested and sowed into this dream and recruited others to do the same. The launch itself was a smash, and people who care about me demonstrated that care by showing up. Still, after all was said and done and I returned home from my week-long solo trip, I struggled. I felt tired and unmotivated and confused. I thought of all the things that didn’t go well instead of those that did. I wondered, “What am I supposed to be doing now?”

I think these are the moments we don’t discuss in our culture. We see the highlight reels and the accomplishments and revel in those moments of success. But what about afterward? How does one feel after they’ve done the thing? After they’ve achieved the success, what else is there to achieve?

Of course, I know there is more, at least with this book. I have more work to do and need to get it known. However, I didn’t expect the lack of motivation that would accompany my success. 

I have been motivated for two years straight. I have been going nonstop since May 2021, when Urban Stories was released, and I said yes to purpose. I fully expected to keep steamrolling ahead into the next, however long it took for WLW to be the hit I know it can be.

But doubts intermingled with unmet expectations bombard me, and I ponder my future. Is my dream really going to manifest? Will there really be an increase as a reflection of all of my efforts?

Authorship is a long-term game. You spend years writing the book, then you spend years marketing the book, and only a handful of Indie Authors get seen even after all of that. Only a handful of those books receive the accolades they deserve.

Patience has never been my strong suit. I’ve always resonated with the motto: “Why walk when you can run?”

But the course of my spiritual journey has been hugely predicated on long-term waiting. Long Term suffering. It seems patience is valued by the Creator.

After nearly 20 years of this lesson, I wonder, When will I start to value it as well?

One thing I have learned is that seasons are needed for rest. After completing my collegiate career at Miami U., I was in such a season and was so confused. Why couldn’t I get a job? What was I supposed to be doing with my time? My life? I had just come out of a four-year stint of being “on the grind.” Working academically, professionally, and in ministry, all I knew was moving. But then, the moving stopped.

“You are a Mover and a Shaker,” my mentor at the time told me. I knew it to be true. I love to be on the move, yet God was having me be still. And has many times since. Why make me to move if I am not supposed to?

In my maturity, I understand there is a time and season for all things, and often in those still moments, other things are happening. Such as the creation of Urban Stories when I was recovering from the loss of my dear mother. Creation was birthed in stillness.

I say all that to say I recognize the switch in me. God is telling me to rest. I’ve been go go go, and in order to keep going, I need to switch gears. Not stop, but slow down. If you’re a longtime reader, you know this message is nothing new but for some reason, it always catches me off guard.

I know the importance of being in tune with the Spirit of the Most High. When we are in alignment, we are positioned perfectly for opportunities and success. Ones that are much greater than we could have created on our own accord.

I’ll try to keep that in mind as I transition into this new season.

This new year of life.

This new chapter of my story.

In other news, did you know that I just dropped the pre-sale for my debut novel When Love Wins? You can check out more here! This time around there is an audiobook in addition to the eBook and paperback versions. Make sure you are subscribed to my email list to catch special offers, discounts, insider information, and more!

Are you on Instagram/Facebook? If so, please reach out. I have a series called “Word of the Day Wednesdays” where I share 5-10 minutes worth of nuggets that are on my heart, which I hope are encouraging to others on IGTV/FB Live! I have these also posted on my Youtube Channel.

And, lastly, if you have read “Stories for the (Urban) Soul, please put up an Amazon review here. I was SUPER encouraged and blessed when a new reader put up her review for my 2nd book which you can view here :).

As always, thank you for your support!



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