I grew up not having any examples of healthy Black relationships. I looked at the struggle of my single-parent mother at the age of 13 and made a vow in my heart: I don’t want to be alone. 

I don’t want to do this alone. 

When you’re a kid, a lot of what you learn is caught not taught. No one explicitly tells you to be a single parent, but you may become just that because that is all you see. For me, at that moment, I was observing my environment and knowing what I did not want for myself. I’m grateful for the Father’s many interventions that have helped me to keep that vow. Truly it has been His grace…

I’m so appreciative of the sacrifices and hardships my mother and her mother made for me, but the sweat and grit those things required is branded into my psyche. I was witness to the tenacity it took for me to be in a position for a better future. Yet what they did for me in the area of education and financial resources did not spill over into the area of romantic relationships. I have often felt like I inherited a liability in romance, and no matter how much I attempted to pay it with time, I remained in debt.

I know the issues of Black love is greater than just my experience, though. I’ve known for a long time the disparity between men and women in the Black community is rooted in slavery. I fully believe that our ancestors’ actions are reflected in our DNA.

That especially goes for historical events. Some may believe that because slavery happened so long ago, we are no longer tainted by its effects. I would say these people are living under a plethora of volcano-sized rocks. I can see the impact of slavery draping our current political system, lacing the power structures in our communities and corporations, and buried in the mental and emotional dysfunctions of brown-skinned men and women. 

We are still recovering. 

I think what hurts, though, is not just the past horrors resulting from husbands ripped from wives during the oppression of slavery and the brutal sexual assaults men were forced to witness of their wives from their so-called “masters,” but the current poisoning of the minds of men against women and vise versa. 

The so-called gender wars.

Have you heard of these conversations? The back and forth between men who swear they’re the dominant species and have no qualms about letting the women know? It is their attempt to institute their own form of oppression, but sadly they do not see.

This egotistical male-dominant rhetoric is being spewed across the screens of phones and computers every day, polluting the minds of wounded men looking for answers but unfortunately from the wrong sources. 

The opposing team consists of shallow, materialistic women shouting the latest Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s lyrics as beloved anthems. “Broke boys don’t deserve no “kitty”!” has become the new Cosmos tips for dating for this next generation. 

Now, I’m not going to be a hypocrite and bash ratchet music. I think it has its place (like my workout playlist when I want to take it up a notch), but I’ll say that the error lies when people use it as a guide for making life decisions. These songs are from artists expressing themselves artistically, but it takes a mature mind to understand that. And I guess that is the issue with these gender wars. These are not mature individuals who are engaging in them.

It takes maturity to understand you are a pawn in a larger game created to keep us (men and women) divided. We, as Black people, have already been pitted against our white brothers and sisters via the vehicle of slavery. Now that we are free, it seems we are being pitted against one another via this outdated mindset that women are the lesser being. And that men are only as valuable as their bank accounts. This belief system is a harsh weapon used to continue slaughtering the Black family, but those seized in its grips are too entangled to even know they are victims of its teaching and not students.

I say all that to say the single Black person in this day and age is sandwiched between the past atrocities that divided our enslaved ancestors and the current devices that seek to destroy our paths to true love. I am no conspiracist, but I feel wholeheartedly, along with Dr. Dianne M. Stewart, author of “Black Women Black Love: America’s War on African American Marriage,” that the Black woman’s plight in love is a carefully calculated masterplan by those in power to prevent thriving Black communities. Though there are testimonies of people of color finding their match, so many more do not.

That being said, I know the eternal truth outweighs the natural experience and the eternal truth is this: God can do anything. If God can raise the dead, then He can raise a dead marriage or a dead dating experience. He can bring life to anything. Still, in my maturing, I have come to learn that Black believers are not exempt. We go through hard things and are not promised we’ll avoid the valleys, instead, we are only promised that He’ll walk with us through them.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Today I was with my spiritual fam, and we dialogued about all things truth. Afterward, I had a touching conversation with a woman I consider an elder and was moved to tears. The truth is, I was lonely. My heart ached for that all-elusive family structure that seems to keep escaping me and yet our conversation reminded me of just how far I’ve come. My mother and grandmother could not give me an inheritance in the area of romance, but they gave me so many other things. And in meditating on those things, my heart soared. Tears fell from my eyes as I recapped all the amazing accomplishments I’ve had thus far because of these women. 

And then there is the experience of meeting those who do not believe the hype. The Black men who have done the work of healing, self-evolution, and growth. The ones who see behind the red pill mask of those misguided and nurturing their woundedness. And I can’t help but smile. And sigh in relief. Because it means they may be a unicorn, but unicorns do exist. It means that Black love has a chance. And that we can someday finally find our match.

In other news, did you know that I just dropped the pre-sale for my debut novel When Love Wins? You can check out more here! This time around there is an audiobook in addition to the eBook and paperback versions. Make sure you are subscribed to my email list to catch special offers, discounts, insider information, and more!

Are you on Instagram/Facebook? If so, please reach out. I have a series called “Word of the Day Wednesdays” where I share 5-10 minutes worth of nuggets that are on my heart, which I hope are encouraging to others on IGTV/FB Live! I have these also posted on my Youtube Channel.

And, lastly, if you have read “Stories for the (Urban) Soul, please put up an Amazon review here. I was SUPER encouraged and blessed when a new reader put up her review for my 2nd book which you can view here :).

As always, thank you for your support!