Waiting, Grieving & Living

March 23, 2021

By Nicole

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I’m in the throws of a book that I’ve been waiting 20 years to read. Yes. 20 years. Now, I was waiting, but I didn’t exactly know I was waiting. Which was nice because the anxiety and intense feelings of desire didn’t accompany my waiting.

Wait. I’m going somewhere here. Just stay with me…

So I was waiting, like I said, but because I didn’t know I was waiting, I just lived my life, and went about my journey, focused on other things. Other books. Other projects. And then finally, when my wait ended, my eagerness was short-lived and absent of the torment from the excessive length of time looming ahead of me, because my desire was just about to be fulfilled.

That’s when the book I was waiting for came out. It came out, and it took me a while to indulge in its pages because I have been steadily working on my own writing projects. I did, however, catch an interview by the author, and was informed that said author, sold out all 1 million copies of her coveted novel. Wow. So of course this news added to my anticipation, causing me to intentionally break away from my own steady rhythm of creating, marketing, building, etc… And so I started reading. And reading. And reading. But while I was reading, I was just—confused. This book that I had waited 20 years for (that I didn’t know I was waiting for, mind you) was turning out to be a disappointment. While the author’s talent, and style, and creativity were evident and brought me joy, the actual story line was (in my opinion) a total flop. At first I thought, “Well, I’ll stick with it. It’s gonna get better.” But, when it didn’t, and I read the reviews online, my initial skepticism was confirmed.

And this little illustration of life is causing me to think. Is it better to wait knowingly, when it’s hard and the anxiety and uncertainty of the future is your companion, but the fruit of the waiting is that your desire is adequately fulfilled in the very best possible way? Is this better than waiting without knowing you are waiting when its easy to wait, because you do not have this anxious, tormenting eagerness stalking you on the road of long suffering, BUT your outcome/product/gift is not the fulfilling kind, where it feels like the wait was worth it. Instead, it feels like this book; a conglomerate of confused disappointment.

Again, I say, this author is super talented and if she wanted a re-do of this novel, (I, along with probably the other 999,999 readers) would unquestionably dive right in and pick up another copy. Unfortunately, I don’t think that is going to happen. But one can always hope…

There was one particular line in her work though that stood out to me; made me tear up actually. So I tucked the words into my heart for safe keeping and wanted to share them with you here:

 

…Ultimately, whomever truly loves you or anything, protects it by any means necessary

-Sister Souljah

 

Upon reading this, I immediately thought of my mother, whose three year anniversary since glorification just occurred two days ago. I am still a little confused at how three whole years could have flown by so fast. But maybe part of that is because emotionally/mentally/psychologically/ (and all the other “e’s”), we have lost a whole year due to this blessed pandemic. But anyways, it has, and I am here, doing another year of life as her offspring with hopes that her legacy will shine through me.

When I read those words, in that book, by that author, I was in awe that my mother, the woman who loved me more than life itself (I know this, because she gave her life for me in so many ways) went through great lengths to provide for me and instill some attempts at protection, even after her physical body would no longer walk this planet.

I was her greatest prize, her most valuable jewel and she was passionately protective.

This thought also led me to think of God, whom I know is the source of such love and protection. So I just want to share this truth with you.

You are loved fiercely, courageously, and sacrificially. And there is no greater demonstration of that, than the blood of Jesus Christ, which spilled out lavishly for all to see.

In other news, check out my article for Hope Magazine here.

Stay tuned for more information for my upcoming book and books!

Blessings to you and yours!

SHALOM

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